Tag: Christian

Time to Forgive Yourself // Dealing with Guilt

Time to Forgive Yourself // Dealing with Guilt

Brendan Slovacek
By Brendan Slovacek

If God forgives me, why do I still feel this way? This question that I was asked through the tears of a young woman perfectly encapsulated one of our strongest negative emotions: Guilt is a punishment we give to ourselves, even after God has forgiven us.

Each person has been given a built-in meter of “Right or Wrong” known as our conscience. God didn’t give us free will without giving us a way to know what’s good! Our conscience is there to balance out our desires, inform our will, and help us follow the natural laws that are written on our hearts. But what about when we don’t choose what’s good?

Guilt is a pain inflicted by yourself, to yourself, and a lot of times to another person. I learned this the hard way after I met a woman who I fell into a deep romance with. However, it was a long distance situation and (to be blunt) I felt insecure in her ability to love me from afar. I didn’t see myself as worthy of her love. So even amidst all of my affection for her, I started to see someone else who was a “safe option” because there wasn’t a distance. When she told me “You hurt me,” it was like a knife had been stabbed into my heart, except I was the one holding the knife. It took almost a year before I was able to come to terms that I hurt someone I loved. Even though I reconciled with God, I still felt the weight of my guilt burying me every day. But I realized that if I truly wanted to be a better man, I couldn’t let guilt control me. I had to take control of my guilt and shame and let my future actions speak louder. I learned it was time to actually forgive myself.

I don’t believe bad people exist; just good people who make bad choices, and sometimes a lot of them. Sometimes our bad choices are momentary without thinking; sometimes they have been planned out and are intentional. Regardless of the circumstances, we still bear the pain of having fallen. Yet Jesus showed us there is redemption for each person, if we so choose it. But if you keep embracing your past mistakes, your hands will be too full to let Jesus take you into his arms. It doesn’t matter what your mistakes are. Maybe you slept with someone. Maybe you cheated. Maybe you said something hurtful to a close friend. Maybe you got too drunk. Maybe it was an accident. No matter what you did, it’s time to forgive yourself.

There’s no perfect solution to overcoming your guilt, but in my struggle to become a better man in the face of my past mistakes, these things have helped immensely: 

1. Admit your guilt to yourself and to God.

The first step is admitting you have a problem. It can be hard to recognize this, especially if you feel you got something out of whatever bad choice you made. But eventually, you have to see the reason why what you did was wrong and admit it to yourself to God in the Sacrament of Reconciliation.

2. Remember your bad choices don’t define you.

Your guilt is actually proof that there’s good inside of you! You wouldn’t be able to feel guilt if you were evil. Since God made us with a conscience, that means we need to know what good is in our own hearts in order to make choices! This goodness comes from being children of God, created in His own Image and Likeness. At times, we fail to be like God, but He still made us with the capacity to be like him. Thus, who you are is about God’s choices, not your own, and He chose to make you with goodness!

3. Even if someone can’t see past your bad choices, God can (and so can you).

Sometimes, the other person won’t forgive you – and that’s okay. You may have been the cause of their pain, but it doesn’t mean you will always be able to heal them. Sometimes, they need to heal on their own. However, don’t think for a moment that just because you couldn’t fix what you broke, God can’t fix you. God wants to forgive you, and you need to forgive yourself too. Likewise, if you feel ready to forgive someone for hurting you, don’t make them wait. Sometimes, the closure of your forgiveness can help them heal from their guilt too.

4. Reconciliation doesn’t always look the same for everyone. 

It’s okay to heal in different ways. Don’t let others try to dictate to you what needs to happen for you to reconcile with God, others, or yourself. However, no matter how your journey goes, always remember to ask yourself, “Is this really helping me to grow as a child of God?” If the answer is no, it’s not a healthy method of trying to heal.

5. Remember all the good qualities about you, and make a list toward the good qualities you want to grow in.

If you want to truly move past your guilt, then it’s important to remember all the things you should be proud of. Then, in the areas where you have shortcomings, set goals of what you want to work on and make action steps to make it happen!

Finally, know that I’m praying for you. Whatever brought you to this article, burdens of the past can be heavy, but with God, you can lift them off and rise higher than ever. Jesus, Victor over Sin and Death, pray for us!

The First Date

The First Date

Veronica Johnson
By Veronica Johnson

First dates can be dreamy, disappointing, or straight up awkward—especially if they are anything like mine. Unless there are major red flags on the first date, I would suggest that the first date does not need to be the deciding factor for a potential relationship or lack thereof. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself or your date the first time around.

I am speaking from my experience of doing the exact opposite. I always dreamed the man I would marry would already be saying “ma’am” and wearing cowboy boots with flannels, ready to swing me around the dance floor. While my man does love a good flannel these days, he does not fit the rest of the mold I had carved for him (the kind that came with a list—pages long—of necessary traits for a perfect husband). I am not saying that young ladies need to lower their standards to find a husband (striving for virtue is non-negotiable), but I am saying we could work on expectation management! At least, if you are anything like me.

Five years ago, I had been talking with a guy over texts and phone calls for a few months. He was a colleague of my brother-in-law’s and from his Facebook pictures, he was extremely good looking. I had met him in person a couple of times at my sister’s house and thought he was nice enough, a little socially awkward, but who isn’t sometimes?

Anyway, I am visiting my sister on my Thanksgiving break and really want to spend some time with this Iowan Marine Corps hottie—oh, I mean, blessed son of God. So, of course I text him and ask if he wants to go for a walk on the beach or something. He says he has a better idea—that he wants to take me out to dinner on a date (men—don’t be afraid of this word—it is a thousand attractive points when used to make plans with a girl!). So I am thinking he will take me somewhere like Olive Garden, you know, with servers waiting on you. Nah, he takes me to Noodles and Company (which honestly is perfectly fine looking back on it, but at the time, it was strike one, because I was—and still can be—a bit high maintenance). I find that he is no conversationalist, but at least he refrains from droning on and on about himself for hours like I had experienced on previous dates. He is way more handsome in person anyway, so dinner goes by more or less okay, thanks to my skills at interrogation.

We then go to the beach for a walk, at my request. We don’t end up doing any walking though, because the dear man can’t handle the cold sand on his bare feet, bless his heart (strike two—cowboy up). Instead, we sit on our jackets to look at the stars, and as soon as we lean back to actually enjoy it, a gigantic monstrous bear (which turns out to be a German Shepherd puppy) comes charging at me and nearly tears my face off (sniffs my head, but I don’t know what is happening—it is dark and I just hear paws and loud breathing coming at me). I jump up with a shriek and my gallant knight laughs (he doesn’t throw himself betwixt me and my foe like my dream Hallmark man would have). He just sits there and acts like nothing just threatened my life. Good thing he’s not a dog lover, because my dislike of the creatures certainly showed that night. I was shaken, to say the least, and definitely feeling pretty stupid.

I am basically ready to end the night at this point, but he tells me he wants to swing by Walmart on the way back. Nothing classier than a trip to Walmart. He picks out a bag of coconut Lindt truffles I am eyeing (good man) and heads toward the office supplies he needs. En route, he sees a bean bag chair that might suit his apartment (which I would later learn was already exquisitely furnished with an air mattress and futon). He tosses it on the floor and plops himself on top. Only, the bean bag chair shoots out from under him and he lands sprawled flat on his back on the floor of Walmart like a helpless turtle (strike three).

I was so embarrassed, I could not end the night fast enough! What kind of guy makes such a scene in Walmart? Although to his credit, he really didn’t make a big deal of it. Nonetheless, I was sure I would never see him again. I took the Miraculous Medal that I had with me and secretly put it in the cup holder of his car. I wanted Mama Mary to watch over this poor guy who needed all the help he could get with girls and was leaving for a deployment in two months. I sure as heck was not going to be the one sticking around for him.

Maybe it was divine intervention, maybe it was the truffles he bought me, but you better believe I am married to that man. I definitely would not have thought so at the time of our first date. After weeks and months and years of his reliable presence and friendship, I am so grateful my thoughts that night were proven wrong. It took a few dates before we actually felt comfortable being around each other and our conversations became more meaningful and enjoyable. I am so glad he convinced me to see him again a month later (he drove halfway across the country to do it!). He continued to impress me with the time and effort he was willing to put in to make our relationship work. We lived in different states—about seven hours apart—until we got married. He would drive up to see me for a weekend at least once a month; if that isn’t commitment, I don’t know what is.

If anything can be taken from this experience, I hope it is that not every first date (or any date!) will be perfect. That doesn’t mean this person isn’t the one for you. Relationships need time and effort to nurture and grow. Love is a conscious choice that will sometimes take work! The perfect potential spouse you imagine does not exist in real life. God wants you to deny yourself and choose to love like He does—to love someone else in their entirety, brokenness and all.

Last I checked, we are all sinners, and we all fall short of the perfection we tend to seek in a spouse. So don’t expect to find your knight in shining armor on the first date. He won’t be there. Surrender yourself to the one perfect Bridegroom, Christ, and then give another imperfect person the opportunity to pursue virtue and heaven with you more perfectly each day. “The one” is the person you choose to keep choosing every day for the rest of your life. No marriage can survive without sacrifice, as I continue to learn. So please, reign in those expectations, especially on your first date!